Red Beans & Rice Noodles

Not. Your. Fault.

I just got back from a lunchtime visit to the bookstore, where I bought two baby books. As many of you well know, the genius book store organization gods decided that infertility books should be in the baby book section, rather than in the health section. So there I was looking through the baby name books, and I glanced at the shelf below and looked at some of the titles of the new books for infertiles.

And overwhelmingly these titles piss me off.

It seems that 7/10 of these books are telling you how to eat for fertility, holistic treatments for fertility, how to relax, how to change your thinking/outlook in order to get pregnant, etc. These books make the infertile at fault, somehow to blame in her disease. And it's a huge, steaming load of shit.

I remember going to a "mind-body fertility" seminar which focused on cognitive thinking and relieving/releasing some of the stress that comes with infertility and treatments. One of the most important things I learned that day was about not holding on to these things that eat away at your confidence. Sure, eat healthy, try acupuncture (or don't), try to stay positive, etc... but we shouldn't fall into the trap of second guessing ourselves for every thing we've done or haven't done. There's no point in blaming ourselves, we are trying as hard as we can, and no matter what you do or how much is spent, fertility treatments are still a gamble.

It's very difficult to not question or blame ourselves, especially with all of the alternative theories and treatments out there being marketed to infertiles. There are always jackasses looking to take advantage of those who, with several treatments behind them, are desperate, ready to try just about anything, and "what's another $5,000 anyway if this thing works..."

Here are just some of the things we hear that can help:
Acupuncture
Eat pineapple
Stay inactive during the 2ww
Stay active during the 2ww
Fertility yoga
Don't eat cold foods
Don't eat raw foods
Nutrition
Chinese herbs
Lose weight
Don't eat fennel
Don't drink anything carbonated
Positive thought
Abdominal massage
Make peace with your difficult relationship with your mother
Immunological treatment$

As if infertility isn't stressful enough, we're left second guessing ourselves—"if I had done this, if I hadn't done that".

It's not our fault that we're infertile. It's a disease. Let me repeat that: It's not our fault! Infertility is a disease!!

It sucks and is evil (or at least very misguided) that people are trying to profit off of our desperation to become parents> But like anything where money and desperation are involved, bad people are sure to follow. Do what feels comfortable to, what sounds and feels right. We're doing the best we can... but sadly, there just ain't no magic pill.

If somebody invents one though, please let me know. Especially if there's one that works not just for pregnancy, but one that does all of the adoption paperwork and financing while I'm relaxing on the chaise with a martini. Awesome. Thanks.

China’s Bachelor Generation

“China to act on gender imbalance”

Hope this helps. At least they're talking about a move in the right direction... I guess...

On the other hand, imposing more laws will probably just create even more of a cluster-fuck. How about reforming or eliminating some of the current ones instead?

“Chinese challenge one-child policy” (read: abuse of fertility drugs to escape fines and conflict with the government)

“Wifeless future for China’s men”

Getting healthy

When my friend Larissa was in town last week she noticed our scale which is hidden under the island in the kitchen. Silly girl pulled it out and stood on it! And she didn't even care that Chuck and I were standing there too and could see the number on the scale. So out of morbid curiosity, I decided to weigh myself too (only after shooing Larissa and Chuck away of course). When I looked down at my weight, my eyes popped out of my head and I had to spend the next half an hour feeling around for them on the floor. Surprised at the number? No. You can't eat that much ben and jer.ry's and be "surprised." More like surrendering myself to the idea that too much yummy food and hardly any exercise aren't going to work if I want to lose weight. And this isn't an "ooh, I wish I could look like a model" thing, but these are my reasons for wanting to drop 50 lbs:

• to be able to keep up with the youngin' when he or she comes home
• to build up my strength and endurance
• to be less tired, and more energetic
• so that the habit of exercise and eating healthy will be in place when the wee one arrives, so it may stick
• to generally feel better
• to look cute in my clothes again rather than frumpy
• and the kicker: type 2 diabetes runs in the family – and since I can probably list 90% of the flavors available from b & j, as well as recite the pizza menu from our local pizza joint (not really true: we actually get pretty much the same toppings every time) – I'm not an unlikely candidate on down the line

So far, the schedule is looking like this: Yoga six mornings a week (at home, and one of those days is more meditation than yoga), weight/interval training 2x a week, and cardio (at the gym) 3x per week. Now that I'm done with all of the paperwork and am waiting, I have a lot of time freed up. So instead of my usual hobbies – artsy crafty stuff, reading, writing, seeing movies – this will be my hobby and interest until it becomes a habit. Wish me luck.   

OFFICIALLY “PREGNANT ON PAPER”!!!

We just got word that our dossier has been sent to Vietnam and we're now officially in "waiting for a referral" mode. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!! I am absolutely giddy with excitement, and am tearing up a bit. Wow. We're getting so close. This shit is really gonna happen, and we're finally going to be parents!!!

Oh, I'm too giddy to type much more for now. Yaaaaaaahooooooooooo!

Affordable IUI/IVF meds—posting now...

... before this knowledge leaves my brain for good:

The other day, for whatever reason, I remembered this email (below) that I had written to a friend who was asking for the fruits of my research and experience with getting fertility meds on the cheap. I realized after I wrote it that I should probably post it, but of course I forgot, because forgetting is a finely honed skill of mine. So before I forget I ever wrote this, or accidentally delete the email, I figure I should pass this info along. Hope it helps someone out there in IF land!

* * * * *

First of all, a possibility for one-time free meds:

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/paying/fertilityassist/index.jsp?

For my 3rd cycle, I applied for this program and was approved. We got over $3K worth of free meds! Between that and IVF meds, we paid less than $500 for what would normally cost over $4K. Sweet. And
the whole process (from applying to having the drugs delivered to my doctor's office) was only two or three weeks.

The deal is: you have to currently be in treatment with an RE, you can't have insurance coverage for the meds, and you have to make less than a certain amount (though I have no idea what the cut off is). I thought for sure that we made too much money, but apparently they base it upon the incomes and take the cost of living in your area into consideration. Or something like that. What I do know is it's definitely
worth filling in and faxing the application!

My other discovery is this:

http://www.ivfmeds.com/

If you have least a few weeks before the cycle begins) this is the cheapest place to get meds. Why? It's based in the UK, and meds are just cheaper in Europe.

I  know it may sound a little weird to be buying from the UK, but I had gotten recommendations about this place from several other IFs I know, and my doctor even told me about them "off the record". I also checked with my doctor's office to see that the different brands/generic brands were okay, and if it was okay to use
either intramuscular or subcutaneous for repronex (they have both, but one is significantly cheaper). The nurse from the RE's office looked at the site and said it all looked fine.

Buying from them, I saved $700 on repronex alone (it would have been about $1000 or more through any pharmacy here, but only $320 through IVF Meds). For an extra $89, I got my shipment in about 4 days. And a lot of the meds can be stored at room-temperature as long as you're gonna use them in the next few months. You probably ought to take the time of year into consideration too. Also, IVF Meds doesn't provide syringes, due to customs issues. But those are cheap enough to get on your own, or your RE's office might provide them.

And of the pharmacies I researched before my 1st cycle, Apothe*cary Shop (in Arizona I think?) had the best prices, so I've purchased my meds from them in all of my past cycles. Overnight shipping is free with your purchase (but this is standard with most fertility med mail-order pharmacies).

But now that I know about IVF Meds, I'm only going to use Apothe*cary for what IVF Meds doesn't have (namely progesterone in oil, but they have all the pricey ones--Repronex, Gonal F, Follistim, Ovidrel).

One other possibility is to ask someone at your RE's office if they have any extra meds they can give you. A lot of time when people either get pregnant or give up doing IVF/IUI, and they have leftover meds, they give them back to their doctor's office so they can give them to women who may be able to use them.

Edited to add: Check the comments section out too! Other folks have left more tips and info about where to get your meds.

Adoption class

We went to an class this weekend at our homestudy agency. We've been past the actual required number of classes for a while, but these classes are very good and well worth it. This particular class was focusing on the first month or so with your child, and it definitely inspired me even more to dive into these books I recently bought. The classes are usually run by a moderator from the agency, but taught by parents who've adopted within the last year or so.

A new concept for me was that "regression is good" for the sake of bonding and attachment. I heard a few things I'd heard before, for example holding the baby a lot and using a carrier that straps to your body (vs. a stroller, etc.). I suppose I better hit the gym and get my arm and back strength up! ;)

They also talked about day care, going back to work, the trip to the country to pick up the child, finding a pediatrician, and more. It's great my agency offers so many good classes.

Great weekend all in all. Another fantastic discovery was that peach slices wrapped in bacon and grilled are divine. Yum yum yum.

Censored!

For some reason, this really stings:

As is obvious from all of my recent posts, I'm currently chin-deep in fundraising efforts for our adoption. Our adoption is going to cost about $30K when all is said and done. We've gone through four rounds of IVF without insurance, and the IVF cycles cost about 11-14K each. Yes, I know I'm preaching to the choir on this, but bear with me and I'll try to have a point. ;)

I've been using this medium, my blog, not to ask for money from my fellow infertiles, but to spread the word about the baby pants fundraiser to people who might want to contribute by buying baby pants. In order to further spread the word, I asked several of my bloggity friends to post about our pants fundraiser on their sites, and many of you did (thankyouthankyouthankyou).

So I was thrilled, after asking one of the biggest fish in the IF bloggy world to post about us, when she agreed to post about our fundraiser. Now, this person has been through many, many rounds of IVF before finally being successful, has been going through the infertility BS for years, and has even written and published a book about her struggles through infertility.

The post went about our fundraiser went up, and I got a big response, about 4 or 5 pairs of pants sold in an hour, and I got a couple of very nice messages of support from people who saw it.

And then, within two hours, the post went down. Just like that... no explanation, nothing.

I wrote and asked her what happened, and got an email 10 hours later saying that there had been a ton of drama after she posted it and she was "forced" to take it down, basically that people had complained. This was really surprising and, well, really stung, considering that it was coming from somebody who has been down the IF road big time, and is seemingly all about raising awareness and supporting other infertiles. Maybe I misunderstood.

And yes, I am very appreciative of those of you who did post about me, and I didn't hear anything about complaints from any of you. I really don't understand.

If I've offended anybody through my fundraising, I'm sorry. I've made a huge effort to make this about spreading the word, and not directly asking for money. I know we can't please all of the people all of the time, but the news of the complaints from another infertile made me very confused. And definitely stung.

Fundraiser update

Wow! The response to our fundraiser has been overwhelming.

Love. You. Guys. (sniff.)

So far we've sold about 50 pairs of the Babyrounds, that's $1000 folks! Plus many people donated through our chipin widget – another $1300 or so there. Wow, wow, wow. And there are still about 40 or 50 pairs of adorable little pants left, so please continue to spread the word!

I've said it before, and am sure I will again, (I just made myself think of Horton the elephant "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one hundred percent!" Hmmm... and that is also about an adoption of sorts. But I digress... what the heck was I gonna say anyway? oh yeah...) it is such an enormous relief to not worry about spending the next several months worrying about how the heck we're gonna come up with the money for this adoption. And the way people – friends, family, acquaintances and strangers alike – have pulled together to help us out. Really reaffirms a feeling of community and that there are an awful lot of gosh-dern-good people out there, and they/you are all over the place.

Thank you so much to all of you who have been supporting our fundraising efforts in thoughts and in deed. You all kick serious ass. :)

One more thing, just one more thing

It's nuts. For the past several weeks, it's been "one more thing we need to do before this goes to VN." This morning I just emailed the agency a pic of the front of my house which was the current one more thing. The next thing is the dossier being translated (which I thought it already had been, and most forms were in both Vietnamese and English). Two weeks for this, two weeks for that, two weeks for another. Damn it, get me on that waiting list already! Sigh...

We made the paper!

Woot! woot! We got our Babyrounds fundraiser a mention in the online San Francisco paper. Check it out: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/nwzchik/index?

Pretty sweet!

In other news... still another two weeks or so before our paperwork actually makes it to Vietnam. I feel like that's the third time we've been told that, but whatever, I'm not going to stress about it. I haven't really been thinking about "the wait" at all, not yet anyway. I'm just so relieved to have all of the paperwork over with and the "how the hell are we going to afford this" situation under control.

Every once in a while I think, "hmmm... guess I need some sort of book about, well, babies." So I checked out a couple of books from the library, but one of them mentioned adoption once in 400+ pages, and the other may have given it a paragraph or two. So I figured there must be books more focused in on raising adopted children, and advice more related to bringing home an adopted 8-month old rather than breasfeeding a newborn. And of course there are plenty, I was happy to see online. So Saturday I went to the bookstore and bought a couple. As I was browsing one of the first things I turned to in the book Raising Adopted Children was the author talking about how she didn't even want to think about setting up the nursery, and didn't until a friend showed up with a crib and made her do it. And then I realized, sheesh, that's where I'm at. I'm so happy to be done with the paperwork, and to actually have a baby on the way (at some point in the next year), that I could be subconsciously blocking out the "reality" of a baby coming so I don't start putting myself through the hope, anxiety, and wondering cycle that I'm afraid will happen if I start preparing a nursery, etc. So, the fact that I'm happily not thinking about it, and that having a child is still kind of a surreal concept to me is pretty normal for those of us who've been through so much hope and disappointment to get this far.

Interesting. So I bought the book... It further explains how necessary it is to go through this process, and how some people even have their friends and family treat them as they would an expecting pregnant woman, because it psychologically prepares you more for becoming a parent. And I thought I was just excited to have gotten this far in the process, I hadn't considered that I might be avoiding thinking about it so that I wouldn't feel any pain or anxiety. That brain sure is tricksy, and gives one amazing coping skills without a person even realizing it. Don't know if I'm making sense, but I'm very impressed by this book so far, and I'm in the beginning phase of figuring out how to childproof my kitchen... Gotta start somewhere.